Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
