i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
