Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
