____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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