I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
