four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
