it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize