i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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