I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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