I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
