Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
