never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
