So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
