The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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