I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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