I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
