i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
