so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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