Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
