great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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