I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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