Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize