she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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