Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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