Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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