wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
