Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
