They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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