if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize