You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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