I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Randomize
