do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
