Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
