How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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