we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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