So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
