She's the barista slut.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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