remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize