I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
