hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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