I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
