You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
