I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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