New invention idea: vibrating tampons
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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