I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
