my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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