She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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