i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
