I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
