If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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