i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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