i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I need to align my fucking chakras
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
