the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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