if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
