So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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