I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
