Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
