its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i dont even know how to be here
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
